5 Signs of a Verbally Abusive Relationship

Over the July 4 weekend, an audio clip was released in which Jack Gilinsky can be heard verbally abusing Madison Beer. In the clip, which Jack confirmed his and Madison’s voices can be heard on, Jack calls Madison a “slut”, taunts her, and says he can “get” any girl he wants. Jack has since apologized for what he said in the clip, which was allegedly recorded a year ago, and Madison tweeted then deleted a statement about the apparent abuse. In her statement, Madison said she stayed with Jack to try and “fix” him, thinking if she stayed with him he couldn’t abuse anyone else. But no one deserves to experience verbal or any kind of abuse in a relationship for any reason. In her statement, Madison urged others who experience verbal abuse to speak up about it, but it can be hard to do that, especially if you don’t know what you’re looking for. While it might seem like verbal abuse would be obvious, it can also come in more nuanced ways that you may not recognize as abuse in the moment. That’s why we reached out to Cameron Kinker, Program Engagement Coordinator at The One Love Foundation, an organization dedicated to raising awareness among young people about what intimate partner violence looks like. Cameron gave us five signs that might point to verbal abuse in your relationship.

“No matter the behavior, if a relationship makes you feel nervous, unsure, upset, confused, or overwhelmed, those are signs that something isn’t quite right,” Cameron told Teen Vogue. “Calling your significant other a ‘slut’ as a way to shame them or put them down is not respectful. If your gut tells you “something is a little bit off, do not ignore this — really think about it, and ask friends, family, teachers, and counselors for input on next steps.”

Here are some signs that your relationship may be unhealthy.

Jealousy

We all get jealous sometimes, but if your partner is always getting jealous when you speak to different people they think could threaten the relationship, Cameron said it could point to a verbally abusive relationship.

“Irrational, angry behavior when you speak with someone they perceive as a threat,” Cameron said, listing signs that a ping of jealousy has actually turned into something more harmful. “Persistently accusing you of flirtatious or inappropriate behavior.”

Constantly having to defend yourself and your actions to your partner isn’t typical, and could mean you’re in an unhealthy relationship.

Criticism

Sometimes we rely on those closest to us to give us honest feedback, and that’s totally fine. But if your partner is constantly criticizing you, calling you names or making you feel worthless, Cameron said you may be in a verbally abusive relationship.

“Calling someone ‘a slut’ … with the intention of shaming them rather than doing so to help someone else out is abusive,” he said.

Control

An overly controlling partner may be someone who is “telling you what to wear, who to hang out with, when to speak or what to think,” Cameron said. That could include telling you when you can or can’t hang out with your friends, isolating you from your family, changing your style and more. In a healthy relationship, Cameron said your partner should be empowering you, not preventing you from being yourself.

“In a healthy relationship your partner should never prevent you from being independent and making your own decisions,” he said.

This type of abuse can come verbally or technologically. As the One Love Foundation points out, a partner who is constantly demanding to know where you are, or using technology to control you in any way, may be a abusive.

Blame

Taking responsibility for your actions is helpful in any relationship, but your romantic partner shouldn’t always be placing blame on you, especially for situations that are out of your control.

One example of this, Cameron said, is if your partner blames your actions for their feelings, saying something like “It’s your fault that I’m so angry, you shouldn’t talk with so many guys.”

Cameron told Teen Vogue that one sign of verbal abuse includes constant blame, and your partner making you feel like everything is your fault. Gaslighting also comes into play here, Cameron pointed out. If you find yourself questioning whether your feelings are justified, second guessing your memories of events, or apologizing excessively, your partner may be gaslighting you. Find more signs here.

Anger

If your partner gets so angry that it makes you afraid, or has frequent angry outbursts, this could be a sign of abuse, Cameron said. People in healthy relationships, he added, don’t feel scared of their partner.

“In a healthy relationship, there is no need to raise your voice or demean someone,” he said, “If you are ever nervous or scared during an argument, your relationship might be unhealthy or abusive.”

If any of the above signs seem familiar to you, there is help available.

“If someone feels afraid in their relationship, they should talk to their friends and family for advice and reach out to resources,” Cameron advised. “Loveisrespect.org is great, many college campuses have counseling centers that are free to students, and a hotline can be helpful for anyone involved to learn what next steps are. If you ever feel afraid or unsafe, it is important that you reach out to a resource like Loveisrespect.org or a local shelter to create a safety plan.”

Loveisrespect.org’stline can be found here, or you can access them by phone at 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522. Crisis Text Line also provides round-the-clock support for anyone in crisis. They can be reached by texting HOME to 741741. The One Love Foundation has more tips and resources here